No one wants to think or talk about it, but when grief hits the workplace, you cannot ignore it. When you are a part of a company long enough, life happens, and someone on staff experiences a troubling diagnosis, death of a loved one, or any other unimaginable tragedy. None of us are immune to grief or emotional pain, but few of us know how to process it ourselves, much less support a coworker.
While the workplace may serve as an escape for some employees going through tough times, it’s better to ensure that the person feels supported rather than ignored. Employee programs such as workplace chaplains can provide mental health support as well as worksite and off-site visits. This is an option for those who need professional support.
But how do we respond to those who are hurting when we work with them daily? How do we move past the awkwardness but also avoid making a mistake by saying the wrong thing?
- Be PRESENT, Say LESS
Know this: nothing you say can make the situation better. You can’t change a diagnosis or level of pain someone is going through, but you can let your coworker know, “I am sorry _______ happened. I am thinking/praying for you and your family.” He may not need grand words of wisdom, nor be in a place to hear you.
Phrases, like “I know what you are going through” or “I know how you feel” may seem empathetic at the time, but in reality, everyone’s grief and thought process are different. You don’t know what he is experiencing. There may be a time later on to share your story, but initially, keep the focus on your hurting friend. Just being empathetic and letting him know he is not alone is better than saying too much or the wrong thing.
Allowing your coworker space to be silent and openly share is better than filling the void with more words for him to process. Acknowledging their grief and being open and available to hear him builds trust and makes interactions less awkward.
- Offer ASSISTANCE, Be STRAIGHTFORWARD
During times of grief, sometimes the most common daily tasks add stress and require more energy than normal. Responding to a blanket statement like, “Let me know if there is anything I can do,” requires more thought and energy. It can also be very difficult for someone to ask for help even when they desperately need it.
During times of grief, thinking clearly enough to know what you need is almost impossible. Being specific, like offering rides to doctors or therapy appointments, taking a meal to the family, or coordinating long-term meals through www.takethemameal.com, can be a huge help during a difficult time. Even offering a grocery shopping trip to fill the family refrigerator and pantry takes a weight off of the family having to think about grocery shopping and meal planning.
- Have PATIENCE, Be FLEXIBLE
Management should come alongside him for support as well as make sure coworkers are aware and flexible. Ask what information he wants coworkers to know about his situation and what is to be kept private. Depending on their position in the company, your coworker may need assistance with more flexible hours and different expectations.
It helps to know that his job is secure while he grieves and works through the coming days and months. Keep him in the “loop” with company happenings, but also let him know that you will work with him to make sure his workload is manageable given the circumstances. Overall flexibility is key. Allow him to choose what tasks he can do and when. Again, he may not know what his needs are. Offer suggestions like working half days for a few weeks or starting with an hour or two each day.
- Check-In REGULARLY, Take TIME
When you aren’t living in the tragedy, it’s easy to forget about what someone else is going through. Out of sight, out of mind rings true here. Your coworker has to live with the diagnosis, day in and day out, week after week. Make regular check-ins to see how he is doing. Ask if there are any more developments or immediate needs.
It’s easy to get caught up in the day-to-day, so make an alarm on your phone or a post-it note at your desk to check in, if necessary. It is easy to feel forgotten after the initial days following an unexpected loss are long gone.
The first few months of grief can be intense. As more time passes, there are moments of grief that seem to come out of nowhere. Make sure your coworker has the tools to seek professional grief therapy. Different therapists specialize in different areas. A grief therapist can help him work through the process for as long as necessary.
While it may be a difficult time for many, coming to work in an empathetic and supportive environment can play a huge role in the healing process. It takes time to move through the grief, but being surrounded by patient and flexible coworkers gives hope that eventually, the pain won’t be as intense and that there is life after tragedy.
